Sep. 5th, 2005 11:57 pm:
Standard late night journal entry

So much on my mind, where do I start? I'll start with a warning, this post will be sexually explicit. If you don't want to corrupt your virgin eyes, don't want to think of me like this, or if you just don't care, then don't bother reading further.

I've decided that casual sex isn't for me. Don't get me wrong, its some of the best sex I've had, including the 21 hours of foreplay before hand. Well, it started at 8 but we didn't start till 9:30ish. I can't do a "no strings attached", I'm just to emotional for that. Feelings start to form and complications set in.

Though I don't regret anything. I had alot of fun and alot of new experiences. I enjoy having people watch me as someone flogs me and beats me with a riding crop. What can I say, I'm submissive. But I have a hard time with people watching me have sex without participating. Standing around, commenting, joking, etc. I'm too intimate for that. But I must say, I did get a thrill from having orgasmed infront of so many people, especially because it was done without ever touching my penis, all through stimulation of the rest of the body. Because of this, it was also the first time that I've ever orgasmed without cumming. Yep, all the pleasure, none of the mess. Heh, sounds like a slogan for a new product or something. Oh and I guess I should mention that I don't personally think that group sex is all that its cracked up to be.

I am bisexual and I am open about it. I have no qualms having new people that I meet know that about me as long as they know that that isn't all there is to me. However, with my parents its a completely different story. I don't know why, I know that they'd be fine with it and supportive of me. My uncle was gay and it didn't phase them in the slightest. I say "was" and not "is" because he died in 1997 from AIDS. But back to me since this is my LJ entry. I've done everything with a guy except to actually date one. I don't know how. I'm physically attracted to them but that's about it. I don't like hanging out with other guys. Its just not fun for me, that's why I only keep female friends. But to bring a boy home? Yeah, he's spending the night cuz we're guys and that's what guys do... he'll be in a sleeping bag... on the floor...

Not likely.

So where does this leave me? I don't want sex without a relationship and I don't want a relationship with a guy. But some guys are just really fucking hott. Like Scheppy. And Clayton. And females? Yeah, I could compile quite a list of hott female friends. But then that relationship thing comes back into play. I don't want a serious relationship. I want to date lots of different kinds of people and I want to have fun. I miss having fun. True, clean fun that comes from innocent flirting and joking around, shared interests and shared meals. But I can't get that from any of my current friends, male or female. Those that I would like to get closer to are already in a serious relationship or aren't interested.

Meet new people. Easier said than done in Simi. I met and became close to so many people in the army. Now they're all just voices on a phone or words in an email. Michelle will introduce me to new people. I like hanging out with Michelle, even when I'm a third wheel with her and Peter. But Peter's cool. We're going to party together and I'll meet his friends. Michelle is a good friend. Not only does she continue to be my friend when its no long convenient to do so, but she's my friend especially when its inconvenient for her.

I'm saddened that Nydia is mad at me and I don't even know why. She won't talk to me. After a few weeks she finally answered one of my calls. Our 30 second conversation consisted of the fact that she didn't have time to discuss this with me now and that I should call her back some other time when its more convenient. For her or for me?

Normally I would say that putting energy into a one-sided friendship is an exercise in futility and wasted effort and that I would just let everything sit until she decided that she wanted a friendship to exist between her and I. I'm tired of life becoming less happy and more complex because I so often spend part of my day perpetuating or mending disagreements, justifying viewpoints, or clarifying myself. I swear, the convenience of technology is offset by the fritter of follow-up. The more messages I send or receive, the greater the volume of follow-up and frustration. It takes a toll. Eventually I'm going to become less mindful of others and doubt their word when they give it. Some say that I already have a trust issue. Worse yet, I suffer the onslaught isolated from others in private, or oblivious of them in public. Preoccupied with our issues and agendas, we distrust or ignore others and physical habitat in general. As the Dalai Lama puts it, lamenting the loss of community, "This in turn encourages us to suppose that because others are not important for my happiness, their happiness is not important for me." That symbiosis violates vital elements of emotional well-being. We give only to those who give to us and rely only on those who promise reciprocal levels of security, love, and materialism. We end up treating a few select individuals as we wish to be treated. Everyone else is expendable.

Not for me. Not any longer.

Even though that may seem practical and efficient, according to time management. The philosophy of self-centeredness may work for years. Until something goes wrong, and something always goes wrong, according to the dictates of the human condition. To whom shall we turn in such moments if we hitherto have failed to treat others according to the occasion or the task at hand—thanking the store clerk; listening to a child; advising a coworker; helping a friend; showing grace in the wake of incivility and forgiveness in the wake of affront? Doing so, we appreciate the ordinary aspects of life, learning mindfulness and coping skills. Day by day, gesture by gesture, the cumulative effect is ennobling. We may rely on it during times of loss or challenge. Otherwise, when personal worlds collapse, as they surely shall, we collapse with them.

So tomorrow, when I know she's not in class, I'll call her again. Because I believe that everyone that I interact with in life has something that they can teach me. And if all I learn from her is how to handle the distancing of a close friend, so be it. But I'm leaving that decision up to her. There will be no distancing due to apathy on my part.

I have more on my mind that I would like to type but classes come early tomorrow and I need some sleep to recover from this weekend and to energize me for the coming week. I hope you all had a great day off and good luck with the coming week.

End time: 12:58am

Feeling: [mood icon] contemplative | Listening to: the plastic clickity of the keyboard

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autumnrose7

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09-06-05 03:47pm
by autumnrose7

LOL SO NOT STANDARD!

pixidust27

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09-07-05 05:11am
by pixidust27