Mar. 18th, 2008 03:37 am:
A Heart String Strum

Oh LJ, how my heart is torn asunder. On the one hand, my brother is not doing any better. On the other, matters of the heart vex me greatly. Is it fair of me to worry about such earthly things while my brother lies in pain? During his chemo they had to stop multiple times because he was getting headaches. With his blood the way it is, their number one concern is brain hemeraging. Part way through they stopped to give him a CAT scan, so far nothing. But still, he was only able to complete part of the treatment.

Dearest LJ, is it wrong of me to have feelings for two people at once? I feel like I'm cheating, especially because the second is engaged to another. There have been times when we've been close to kissing, but I've prevented it. Not out of respect for him, but because I don't want to be her "drunken mistake."

I don't think I've even been so selfish. I've told her that if she ever pushed things, that I would let them happen. I would allow her to cheat on him, if it ever came to that. I respect him, and so *I* do nothing. But she... heh, and still I think of love's past. To another whom I dishonor with these new-found feelings. She is familiar and comforting while this is new and exciting. But doomed to failure nonetheless. I cannot have feelings for one who is promised to another. It is forbidden.

And now I come to friendship. When is it right to risk friendship for something greater? Ever? I sit idly by and watch events unfold before me. Like I am not there, not part of it. Merely a camera tracking and panning, registering responses. I am asked "How are you?" and I wait along with them to see how I would respond. I am glad when I finally hear myself say "Fine."

I am in love and should not to be, dare I be loved?

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to..."

Feeling: [mood icon] selfish | Listening to: the thoughts of a vexed mind

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