Nov. 4th, 2006 03:15 am:
[xpost] The Longest Blog

Start Time: 1:19am

I can't sleep, too much on my mind. So I guess I'll write it out. Besides, its been awhile since I've written here. To understand where I am today, you'll need to know a few things about my past. Everything here is true and accurate. If there are any discrepancies between this entry and anything I've ever told you, believe what's here. I am human, I am fallible, and I have lied before to save face.

Rewind to 2003: I graduate high school and move into the dorms and begin schooling at Cal State University at Northridge. I thought I was on top of the world! Doing adult things like going to college and working and dating this woman that I was absolutely in love with. That's also really when I got into the party scene. After my first semester there my GPA was so low that they put me on academic probation. Second semester I raised my GPA a little but it wasn't enough--I had officially flunked out of CSUN.

Trying college from a different angle, I lived at home in Simi Valley and went to Moorpark College, a local junior college. Halfway through I realized that I was going to fail again and that there was no way to save my grades. That's when I started looking for a way out. I happened to have walked by a recruiting table on campus. Further inquiry led me to enlist in the United States Army.

Reactions were mixed but this was serious business and it made me feel like an independent responsible adult. My girlfriend and I decided to maintain a long distance relationship through letters and the occasional phone call (when the Drill Sergeants would let me). January '04 I left to Fort Leonardwood, MI for 9 weeks of Basic Training. It was difficult, no doubt, but I passed and graduated! My parents and brother flew out to see the ceremony. Little did I know that it would be one of the last things I'd do that I was truly proud of.

On the long bus ride (in full Class A Uniforms, no less) from Missouri to Fort Huachuca, Arizona, I lost part of my integrity as a defect of character. After moving around the bus chitchatting with all my comrades, I found myself at 2 o'clock in the morning sitting next to one of my Platoon-mates who happened to be female. Most everyone else was asleep or listening to headphones. I honestly don't remember who made the first move but I ended up fingering her while she gave me a hand job, all under a Uniform Jacket spread over our laps.

It was then that I became what I most despised. During the whole thing we made eye contact only once, in the beginning, and there was a mutual understanding then. There were no kisses, no cuddling nor passion. It was pent up pure physical, mammalian, sexual frustration. I had cheated on my girlfriend, the woman whom I had loved for over a year.

Having realized that I was bi-sexual back in high school, I lied to her and told her that I was gay and had made a mistake on the bus. She was somewhat understanding but sought council from her female friends. The fact that I was supposedly gay spread like wildfire through my Company. I didn't overly care and even exchanged blowjobs with a comrade in the shower. Until one morning I woke up and then woke up into life. Awakened, I began to realize where I was and what I was doing.

It was then that I decided the Army wasn't for me. Going off base and into town one weekend, I purchased a few bottles of caffeine pills. The next night in the barracks I purposely OD'ed and disposed of the evidence. Uncontrollable shaking, jitters, quick/shallow breathing, rapid heart rate and heart palpitations. I wasn't stupid, I knew what I was doing and the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. All those symptoms and uncontrollable sobbing, everything you need to fake a psychotic breakdown.

After 3 weeks of testing they couldn't find anything wrong. Wanting to err on the side of safety, they gave me a Medical Discharge and sent me home. I had done it, the impossible. I made a contract and swore an oath, and still, I was able to find an easy way out. While my parents thought it was from anxiety attacks, my extended family thought it was from a prolapsed heart valve, and my friends believed any number of stories that I told. (I mean, it was Military Intelligence and I did have a Security Clearance at one time, it could've happened...)

But it had taken its toll. I knew what it was really from and my self-esteem ate it. Failure after failure since high school stacked up. I began to truly hate myself. This self-loathing made me push away those closest to me. I had little to no respect for myself, how could I respect the friendships and relationships that I had with others? This caused me to break up with my girlfriend of 18 months whom I had cheated on.

I tried to ignore how I felt inside. One of the many methods employed was going with one of my female friends (who is quite pretty and likeable) to her work. She just so happened to be working at Disneyland. That's right, for a month straight, almost on a daily basis, I spent the whole day at the happiest place on Earth and the nights in various hotel rooms partying with her and her coworkers. Where CSUN taught me alcohol, the hotel rooms of Anaheim taught me weed.

That soon came to an end when I got a job with Best Buy--computer repair... Geek Squad. To clarify, the Disneyland thing came to an end, not the weed thing. I soon started working fulltime, spending my evenings at a coworkers getting stoned and playing video games; anything to distract me from my feelings and myself.

I continued telling people that I was gay. I didn't like the responses that I got from telling them the truth, that I was bi. Usually the responses were either that I was just confused or that I was greedy, of which I consider myself neither. This pretty friend of mine must have missed me at Disneyland or something because she invited me to go clubbing with her.

In comes the clubbing scene. Being a lover of electronica since junior high, it was easy for me to get lost in the crowded dance floor and let the music carry me away. Soon I found myself a whole group of awesome people that I could club with. Like alcohol and weed, the clubs taught me drugs, and taught me well. Before I knew it I was swept up in my own little world. Dealing and clubbing and dancing and dealing. My weekends were paid for. I was a supplier and in high demand for every pre-party, after-party, and private event.

I continued to ignore all my problems. Nothing but music and drugs and good people and good times. Until the weekend ended. But I always managed to work through it and make it to the next Friday. I hated myself and needed drugs to be happy. And the drugs worked... until they stopped working.

The night of September 12th, 2006 I attempted suicide. This landed me in the ER under a legal 72 hour hold, reason: "endangerment to oneself." I was moved to the Mental Health Unit and my 72 hour hold quickly got bumped up to a 14 day hold. Two weeks I would wonder the MHU hall of the Henry Mayo Hospital in Valencia, California (incase you care, the hallway was 9 tiles wide by 151 tiles long). During my first days in MHU I was still suicidal and tried hanging myself, electrocuting myself, and finally settled for chewing both of my wrists beyond the point of free flowing blood. Each "episode" ended in restraints, shots in the butt, and naps that lasted for days.

Somewhere in there I reconnected with my Higher Power (whom I call my Lord). I can't explain it because I don't fully understand it myself. But I guess that's what faith is--believing something even if you can't understand it. Needless to say, this would become crucial to my recovery.

After my 14 days, I was moved to Eaton Canyon Recovery Facility in Pasadena, CA. Here I spent 31 days redefining myself. I was one of 12 (on average, it fluctuated between 8 and 15) residents and we had 5 counselors, a cook, and a janitor. Three meals and 3 therapy sessions a day plus Family Group on Saturdays and visitation on Sundays.

It was here that began my 12 Step program to get myself off of Ecstasy, Special K, shrooms, GHP, and cocaine. Steps 1 through 3 got me closer to my Lord and allowed me to start forgiving myself for everything I had hated myself for. Step 4 let me release every resentment that I was holding on to, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. It forced me to face my faults and recognize my strengths.

Along with the Steps, I started going to AA meetings to meet other sober people. After 31 days I was ready to come back into the world again. That was last Saturday, the 28th of October. I've been hanging around the house mostly, slowly re-integrating myself into society. Have had a few friends over here and there. Hitting up meetings as often as possible. For Halloween I went to 6 Flags Magic Mountain's Fright Fest with some close friends of mine. It was dead. Not zombie dead, empty dead. But it was fun! There were no lines and some ride operators even let us ride multiple times.

While I was away my parents sold all of my kids furniture and installed a wood organizing system into my closet. I finally get a queen bed! Got a desk and finished assembling it the other day. Got my TV and my monitor set up for dual display, PS2 plugged in, and 5.1 surround sound all ready to go.

In less than 4 hours I'm supposed to wake up and get ready for orientation. Oh, that's right! I'm going to ITT Technical Institute in Oxnard. I'll be starting November 27th. And shortly I will come off of disability and go back to work at Best Buy.

All in all things are falling into place. I just live one day at a time, starting each day with a prioritized list of objectives and ending each day in gratitude. As long as I don't get overwhelmed I'm ok. And even if I do, I got meds for that...

End Time: 3:15am

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