.. tear ..
Now to make the best of it. When I'm at work, I like to really sit back and relish a great, uninterrupted, Internet "surf sesh". You know, to help mix things up a bit. But unfortunately, as of late, I've come across a problem. Not every "surf sesh" is as productive as the last. For example, just a minute ago, I was within a second away from shooting a duck with my lasers and winning an ipod nano, when I was forced to see this:
In this a picture, we see a stylish midget gentleman, his wife/transsexual life-partner, and the coffin of their recently deceased, half-witted love child. Whether the corpse is inside the coffin or not is left up to your imagination. At least that's what I've been able to deduce from this horrible camera angle. And if there's anything I've learned about midgets, it's that they can bite really hard out of nowhere and will never let go.
One thing I know for sure it's that the industry that is advertising knows no bounds. I've run some tests and I believe I've been able to modify the ad to make it as it will appear thirty years from today. For this, I've taken into account our two main variables: slow deterioration of higher level thinking and censorship. I came up with this:
I know what you're thinking and I'm right there with you: how can they just come out and call you a "dick" like that? Good thing you've got 30 years to think about how you're going to react.
This is what I've projected the ad to look like in sixty years:
Last time I checked, peoples' morals stay pretty rigid unless they're a minority and/or Chinese. If I actually gave a shit about my family - which I like to think I do - I wouldn't be purchasing life insurance over the Internet. No, I'm pretty sure that kind of decision would have to be made in front of other humans - not machines. (unless, of course, you are Robin Williams in "Bicentennial Man" and are both, which is awesome.)
Alls I'm sayin' my peeps and hombres, is that the fucker that designed that ad is pretty fuckin sinister. Here, random American father, look, a picture of a little kid and a woman sitting together in front of a coffin with the phrase: "If you died today, who would fund your family's future?" Thanks, random advertisement. I'm gunna go get naked and cry in the back stall of the men's room until I get cited for volume level, public indecency, and sexual assault.
I'm done. I'm going home. It's been a really long day and I'm thinkin': Steak-N-Shake.